In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you will always have a special place in my vag
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
