I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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