she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you didnt know i had herpes?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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