What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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