He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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