For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
