Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
