I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
