now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
