I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
