did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
