You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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