Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
