I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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