I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
