ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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