i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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