Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
