I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
