Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
