im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
