Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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