i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
