My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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