Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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