you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
