Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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