I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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