You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
