i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
