my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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