Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
