why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
