I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
