Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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