Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
