Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
