the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
