You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
