update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
