My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
