Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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