Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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