this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
