Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
