I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
