He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ketchup is God's man juice
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
