I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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