Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
