well I can't set my house on fire every night
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
