and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
