The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
